I can't blog today. Two reasons...

I can't blog today.





I am too emotional.





I am overcome with such a sense of loss I can barely function.





I haven't felt this sad since Susie O'Neill retired from swimming. Or since Will & Grace was cancelled.





Its an absolute double whammy today, a big back-handed slap across the face. First the most devastating news. One of the all-time hottest cops called it a day. My Christopher Meloni announced that he was leaving my beloved Law & Order SVU after 12 glorious seasons. I can not go on... I am too upset. RIP DET. ELLIOT STABLER!

Det. Stabler

And of course, it goes without saying, that today being the final episode ever of Oprah leaves me with a heavy heart. I've watched the last two nights and I've teared up about 3 times each ep - even with that giant layer of cheese. Over the years I have loved Oprah, watched with great regularity (I do have a tv on my desk at work...!). There is now a big whole in my viewing schedule...





Love you Oprah, miss you already!!!

Bye Bye

And just because I can... Here is a nudie shot of Christopher Meloni to put a brief smile on your face on an otherwise sad, sad day.

Hi-FIVE!... Opera House, Planking, Ms G's, Mr MDJ & Bangkok

Just like some of my favourite things... the Spice Girls, the Olympic Rings, 5-star hotels, my right hand... I like things that come in 5's. Today I have 5 little tales from the past few days that will hopefully offer some explanation as to why there have been no posts here recently! Again I say, I am so easily distracted - most commonly by vodka, food and friends.

Tale 1. Jackson and Sam play Tourist.

Jackson is my son who I lost in the divorce, but with our joint custody arrangement (when one of us has to travel) I have my blonde bombshell staying with me for the week. On staurday I got to take Jackson and his step brother Little Sammy on their first trip to the Lady Macquarie’s Chair to see the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. They loved it!!! The sites were spectacular for their little eyes to see.

Sadly what I think they were most interested in though was being the Flower Girls for this gorgeous Japanese couple having their weeding photos.

Tale 2. Planking at The Imperial (and I ain't being dirty)!

Everyone knows I am an absolute victim of popular culture – if anyone else is doing something than I have to join in! Fact! So while out enjoying some fabulous gayness on Saturday night at the Inner West’s very best Impie, and after numerous vodka’s, we decided to do some planking – if KAK can than we sure as hell can as well. My partners in crime where people who should know better and certainly be more mature, Lucky Paulie and Newshound Brad, but somehow I was the only one foolish enough to try.

Of course I made it as easy for myself as possible, I have no core strength, so did it on the dance floor… Laying flat!

Not sure who that is treading on me...

Please note: No one was injured, and this ridiculousless was carried out before the ‘balcony incident’ in Qld. Lucky I only tried it on the floor. AND... I can 100% confirm that a man of a certain age should not go out disco dancing for 6 hours, I could hardly walk on Monday; back, neck and I think I pulled a hammie.

Tale 3. Miss Cal knows her food!

She most certainly does! We went on an exploration of my new neighbourhood on Sunday with the sole purpose of eating lunch. On Miss Cal’s recommendation we stumbled into Ms G’s on Victoria St, Miss Cal had read a great review. Its cute, its funky, it has an atrium with great afternoon sun. We just wanted to be warm so we were happy to wait for a table out the back. Can I just say, so worth the wait!!! The food was spectacular – I loved my wagyu beef in chilli broth with noodles. Miss Cal loved hers too but I can’t remember exactly what it was, too distracted by the wagyu in front of me. The only slight imperfection, as is often the case in the Eastern Suburbs, attiitude does not mean service. Out the back it was great, up the front not so flash. Can be overlooked… I recommend.

Atrium at Ms G's

Tale 4. Mr MDJ has a Birthday!

Thank god I have cool friends who know the cool places to go cause I have literally no idea! Mr MDJ is probably my oldest friend in Syd-er-ney after we met mid-90’s when he was a barman and I was a cocktail waitress at the very (non)glamorous Banana Bar at Taylor Square. When I write my memoirs about memorable nights out Mr MDJ will feature HEAVILY!!! His dear friend, the Cougar, organised a gorgeous birthday dinner at somewhere far too cool and gorgeous for me to even know about called Bar H. The food was AMARSING! The company even better. Jeez, they took good care of us, even when we started shouting and making jokes that I’m sure only we would find funny. Huge thank you to the Cougar for organising, and HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDY Mr MDJ.

Mr MDJ and the gorgeous Cougar

Tale 5. My Birthday ‘escape’ is locked and loaded!!!

For some reason this year I do not want to be in Sydney for my birthday. Normally I force everyone in a 75km radius to celebrate it with me, willingly or not. This year its my 39^th which is such a nothing birthday when you know you have the MASSIVE 40^th celebration next year (mark it in your diaries now people!). And I also I really like the idea of being ‘newly independent St. Murphy’ and going on holidays by myself for the first time in years. After much debate, much indecision and much advice I decided on a week in Bangkok cause it has everything! Only ever had 1 night there and I adored it. Time to go back…

SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!

As luck should have it, one of Mr MDJ’s nearest and dearest is also a very fabulous travel agent. Within the space of, and I swear I am not exaggerating, 2 hours she had the whole thing sorted and booked - all by email. I actually think she may be a genius! I’m calling her Julie McCoy (bonus points if you know why?). Beside myself now, so excited! Six days in Bangkok is just what a 39^th Birthday needs!

LeBua Hotel Sky Bar... where I'll start my evening cocktails!

Fabulous Winter Couch-Wear Fashion brought to you by St. Murphy

I am about to shock and astound you with some of the most brilliant Winter fashions you will ever see! Forget Vogue, St. Murphy is the new home of fashion!

Now regular readers will know how much I love winter and how much I love my couch. This fashion spread combines the two; Couch-wear Fashion! I have never been so excited to post on St. Murphy. Lets get started. First up is the soon-to-be world famous Icelandic knitting factory, Vík Prjónsdóttir. I was introduced to this amazing design house by the glamorous Hamish von Trapp, owner of leiderhosen, JPG man-skirt and a paisley velour suit; he sets all trends! This is their signature piece... The Shield Of Wings.

Shield of WIngs!

And more importantly, here is Hamish on Trapp modelling his very own Shield of Wings! Purchased for an extortionate amount of money from a Melbourne store. Absolutely perfect for winter nights on the couch - and flying through your lounge room!

Hamish von Trapp in full flight!

And don’t think the glamour stops there. Vík Prjónsdóttir have a phenomenal catalogue of products. Please enjoy some of my personal favourites, all classic winter couch-wear.

The Seal Pelt

The Twosome Blanket

The Gentlemen Bearded Cap

A gaggle of Beard Caps

Hamish von Trapp sharing his recent purchase was the catalyst for a search on other up and coming couch-wear designers. There are quite a few! My next personal favourite is the duvet suit from Lazy Patch – HEAVEN!!! Its designed so beautifully you could even leave the house in this baby when you run out of Diet Coke or chocolate.

As modelled by my radio-crush Wippa

Now many will be familiar with the classic Snuggie. The exciting news is they’ve introduced a designer range. I just love love love this designer camouflage Snuggie. It’s very butch couch-wear.

So unbelievably butch! I think this will be my choice.

You always learn so much from Hamish von Trapp. He has also predicted the Monkey Tail Beard will be a hit this winter. Me, I’m not so convinced. Not for me primarily because I am too lazy. If you have the time to master the shape than good luck to you. I’d love to see them on the street or on a shop assistant in Westfield Bondi Junction – that would make my year.

Monkey Tail Beard

And to wrap up my winter fashion spread, lets have Miss Call modeling the Shield of Wings while pulling off the female version of the Monkey Tail Beard.

Heaven! All to be seen in the pages of Vogue soon. Now I just need to decide what to buy for my couch-time...

It's every boys dream to marry a Prince!

I don’t care what anyone says – I am OBSESSED with the Royal Wedding and I will be glued to the television this Friday night!

I mean who doesn’t want to whisked off their feet by a dashing Prince and marry into such extreme wealth that us mere mortals will never comprehend?

Who doesn’t want to have a wedding with an A-List guest list like Will & Kate’s?

It’s every little boys fantasy to marry a 6-foot tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Prince who looks so dashing in a uniform and can fly a helicopter. It’s certainly mine!

For the grand occasion I will be perched on the edge of my couch with my best gal, Miss Cal, beside me. Of course we will both be fantasizing that we are Miss Kate Middleton. We will have a fully stocked snack bar of tuna dip, crackers, chocolate and cornchips. We will have a vodka, lime and soda or two to toast the radiant couple. We will mock, scorn and critique every bow, bustle and bouquet. It’s going to be brilliant. How can you not get caught up in such over-the-top pageantry. It will be the campest wedding ever (discounting Posh and Becks who did have those phenomenally OTT thrones).

I spent yesterday morning pouring over the women’s mags absorbing every detail. I desperately want to know Kate’s final decision on whether she will wear the traditional tiara or less conservative flowers? Or the even more troubling question of whether she will go with a half-up, half-down do or something completely left-of-field. Oh the potential controversy astounds me. And you just know we will all be watching and thinking of our beautiful Princess Di looking down on her eldest son with a single tear rolling down her cheek (cue Elton John with English Rose).

It is all pure escapism, the likes of which could never be scripted.  If this wedding was a chick-flick we wouldn’t buy it for a second. That’s how extreme this story/event is.

But through it all I have one little nagging thought chipping away at my happiness. For a wedding, where two souls allegedly become one, there is a complete lack of intimacy. The mere fact it is going to be watched by millions and choreographed down to every second takes all the intimacy out of it for Will and Kate and leaves them just putting on a show. And can you imagine their nerves! They won’t remember a thing after.

I bet they are both just aching to get to the final party of the night, the one where it is just their family and friends. I’m sure that will be the highlight for them. I feel I know them intimately after all I’ve read so I can say this as if I am their bestie.  I hope they get to that party, rip off their veil and tie and cut loose on the dance floor. I hope they do some shots, make requests of the DJ and slide across the dance-floor on their knees. I want them to behave like Harry would!

So I can’t wait for Friday night! More specifically, I can’t wait for 8pm when we get the first full look at the frock! I will be beside myself. After-all, it is every boys dream to marry a prince.

Miss Call and I will be fighting over the Kate mask.

STOP THE PRESSES!!! I've just watched the most brilliant piece of television ever made - the William and Kate telemovie! If you thought I was obsessed before this has taken it to a whole new level. Now I know them INTIMATELY!!!!





** Please note that I just got through a whole post about a wedding without once mentioning that GAYS CAN’T MARRY! In England gays can marry so I will direct my bitterness elsewhere.

The hunt for my Royal Wedding invite begins!

There was an oversight by the Royal Family a few weeks ago when I failed to receive my wedding invite. So I’ve popped myself on a big jet plane to London to get this matter sorted. I’m in London on the hunt for my wedding invite, I shall not return until I have one.

So far I’ve had not much luck making contact. It seems Will and Kate don’t hang out at the same places I do, I’m yet to bump into them. They weren’t at TopMan getting their honeymoon outfits, and they weren’t at the two fabulous gay bars I’ve been to. It also seems they are not hanging out at Cousin M’s house in Walthamstow having a roast chicken dinner like I was. I think I’m going to have to widen my circle if I am to find them. Unless someone has Harry’s mobile number, I’d pay money for that.

But Will and Kate are EVRYWHERE!! And as is my way, I’ve become obsessed with their heads. Lets start with my absolute favourite. The Kate and Will tea towel. Heaven! (A scary Russian man yelled at me for taking the photo instead of buying)

And it just gets tackier and tackier from there. There is literally nothing you can’t find with their glorious mugs on them, including mugs…

Pens, pencils, plates, crockery sets, t’shirts, postcards… And of course your Kate and Will ashtray and matching lighter.

Now I've ruined Xmas cause you've all seen your gifts. The only thing I haven’t found is underwear! How cool would that be to have Will on your jocks. So many jokes to make but so little time.

But it is literally a nation obsessed with the big event. And I think Londoners can be divided in to two categories – those staying in town for it and those who are fleeing. Its like Sydney-siders during the Sydney Olympics. My advice people, stick around as it’s a once in a lifetime.

Now one other casual observation that I want to share… It is also a nation of men obsessed with JEWELLERY! Its seems to be a huge trend here to wear cheap, layered jewellery of every description. All the cool-kids are looking more and more like 80’s Madonna. A quick run through the standards TopMan, H&M, Zara and Next and you’ll find it every where. Here’s what I mean, a selection of long beads you can buy in TopMan. Yes, the Menswear section, no question about it.

Of course, being the victim of popular culture that I am, I’ve picked myself up a lovely trinket. A beautiful, so cheap looking 3in1 silver necklace. So stylish. No, its not too young for me (Snort!). And once I’d made this $5 purchase the question then became “Where the hell am I gonna wear it?”. Work of course!

And the Royal Wedding.

Social Media has ruined my life!

A big call I know! Perhaps more accurately it should be “social media has ruined my social life”.

After this past weekend I’ve come to understand that I actually have a very real problem. Of course it’s just like me to develop an addiction.

I literally live my entire life on Social Media!

I’m just looking at the couch where I have sat for the entire last three days and there is an arse print. Not even slightly joking about this. I have dented the couch. I have sat in that one spot for 3 days with my beautiful trusty laptop in my lap. I’ve lived my life through that 13 inch screen all weekend. A weekend when so so much was going on in the outside world but I chose to participate via social media rather than in the flesh. Yep, I have a problem.

My little world for 3 whole days

The worst/scary part is that I’ve had an absolute ball all weekend. Loved it! Had the time of my life! Now this scares the hell out of me cause I used to be a people-person who loved a crowd. Now I’m a Twitter-Facebook-blogging-no-human-contact-person. The irony is that I’m coming to this conclusion by blogging about it! Then I’ll tweet the blog and put it on my Facebook, further plummeting myself into this addiction.

So there are 4 screens that I have open ALL of the time – Twitter, Facebook, Tweetdeck and this blog. I switch between the four like a sex addict at an orgy. They each give me something special, and hold a unique place in my heart. For gods sake, look at the terms I’m using to describe them. You would think they were my loved ones.

Twitter is my biggest obsession. I don’t feel I need to go out anymore because being on Twitter is like one giant playdate with all the cool, funny people. Its like being in a bar with everyone you love and when everyone is at their very best. No awkward moments, no having to start a conversation, no trying to avoid people – its Brilliant! I have the strangest feeling like I’ve been surrounded by people all weekend even though the only person I’ve spoken to is the check-out chick at Franklins.

Just a little story about the ‘connectedness’ of Twitter… On Saturday I was having separate chats with @SassyLang and @petegoodlet about my blog post on Mardi Gras. Turns out they both had a connection to Daylesford, and they’d known each other on Twitter for a while. Then last night I saw some Tweets from them about how great it was to finally meet up. How cool is that! A twitter-Date! And you know I love a Twitter-Date. Now I am desperate to meet both of them. They are like-minded, fabulous people who I would never have met otherwise.

I'm gonna join this support group

But back to my social media addiction. So Facebook is where I dump all the cool stuff that I find on Twitter such a news stories, great photos and funny stuff. It’s also where I post my blog each day, ramming it down the throats of my friends. The blog is brilliant fun, and a chance to rant and vent. It’s amazingly self-indulgent which I of course love. I then push it out via Twitter. This completes the social media circle – all intricately linked; all a massive network of words, pics, people and stuff. I am now so deeply immersed in this little world that I do not know if I can pull myself out.

But I have to get this addiction under control or I will fast become a lonely old man with dogs. And I’ll lose my ability to make conversation. I’m becoming one of those guys who has absolutely no personality to offer face-to-face, who becomes intimidated by real people. Basicly I’m becoming a hermit, a weirdo, a recluse. This is not good. So as much as I love and adore my little social media world I need to put some limits on it.

What do you think appropriate? What if I limit it to 8 hours a day? That’s a step in the right direction.

My ego has got me into trouble again!

If I had a dollar for every time my ego got me into trouble… well I wouldn’t be sitting on this cheap couch wearing a holey t’shirt. I’d be sipping cocktails in the Maldives!

This time it’s a doozey and doesn’t actually involve a bar, a mirror or a little white lie.

Late last year I got a phone call from a guy who was organising a social media conference and he wanted to know if I would be interested in presenting. Still not sure how he got my number but I loved that he did. As everyone knows I am social media obsessed, both personally and professionally. Over the last year it has become more and more a part of my job. We’re doing some pretty cool stuff at work and that’s why he wanted to talk to me.

At the time I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had done real well with my subjects that semester for my Masters and was having visions of a life in Academia while writing fascinating lengthy texts on communications theory. I was up for anything. It’s a brave new world out there in research and I was loving it.

And. Most importantly. My ego was completely flattered that they were interested in me! And that they thought I had something to offer.

If he had of even hinted that he thought I was attractive we would now be married and living in the south of France. That’s how far gone I was.

So of course I agreed immediately which was followed by a quick chat about potential content. Then I weirdly put it to the back of my mind over summer and just knew that it was something I had coming up. I foolishly didn’t read the correspondence with an alert eye so until last week I really didn’t understand what exactly I’d got myself into. Let me cut to the chase…

It’s a 45min presentation to Marketing people about the impact and potential for social media.

Let me say that again… 45 MINUTES!

My worst nightmare.

Holy hell, I don’t even know that many words. I have no idea how many pages that is even, or slides, or whatever it is that I should be reading/showing/discussing. I have been so unbelievably stressed about it I can not tell you. It has sent me into a complete meltdown this past week as I pull together what I think it should be. I’ve got some great peeps sending me articles and helping me out, and the beautiful boys in Digital are saving my ass BIG TIME. It will certainly look schmick thanks to them. Slowly I’m getting there. As of late yesterday I am starting to think the content could actually be getting close to the money. Phew!

Which only leaves one oustanding issue. How the hell am I gonna pull it together in front of all these people!

I’ve got a lot of practice at weddings, birthdays and family events with, fair to say, mixed reviews. There was the time I accidently dropped the C-bomb at a friends 21^st – Gran was not happy – that memory now haunts me. Its gonna take all my will-power in the world to not race through it and find I’m finished in 20 mins, I’d have to dance for the remaining 25. I’ve even considered wearing something revealing, with just a hint of nipple, to distract the crowd. I can’t even consider imagining them all naked cause god knows where that will take my mind. There will be many sleepless nights between now and D-day.

And all this grief just because in the briefest of moments I let my ego get away from me. Now I’m just praying that it will be one of those life experiences that seems so worth it once it is over. 

All over by 10.30am Monday.

Wine is the Devil's work!

I hate wine!

Hate the smell. Hate the taste. Hate everything.

I have a very unnatural, deep-seeded repulsion by all things wine related.

Even as an incredibly poor Uni student I couldn’t stomach it. Tried to mask the taste with equal parts red cordial and still couldn’t drink it.

My family are big wine drinkers so it has always been around me but from a very young age I’ve felt this way. It’s almost phobia-like. I’m the only one of my family and friends who doesn’t drink it so I stand out like dogs balls at EVERY social event I go to. If exBoyfriend had even had just one glass I’d kept a one meter distance as a minimum between us.

I had drinks earlier this week with Lady Marmalade (the reason for no post on Monday!), she’s Melbourne royalty. Not only does she work in the wine industry but she is also a passionate consumer of wine. As much as I am disgusted by wine, she is disgusted by my lack of interest. She has made it her mission to bring me around to the dark side but I will not fold. She’s always pushing on me the latest and best Peeno Grit or Savlon Blank like a crack dealer. Lady Marmalade, I fear I will disappoint you for the rest of our lives together as I will never be a wine drinker. I love you but not your vino.

I have to admit dinner parties are difficult for me. While other guests casually stroll in with a lovely bottle of red, I walk in with a bottle of Absolut and 2 bottles of Diet Coke. So not as glamorous I’m the first to admit. It also creates the impression that I am a hardcore alcoholic, which of course I am. Can not tell you how many times I’ve had to try and explain why I don’t drink wine, with some peoples reactions you would think I was explaining my leprosy.

Weddings, functions, parties, etc are also always difficult. Most people presume that everyone drinks either wine or beer. For me, I don’t drink either, so am forced to either travel with a hip flask or suffer sober.  My worst nightmare is a social event that serves only beer or wine AND has no cash bar. There is nothing worse than trying to relax and have a good time at an event where everyone is slowly but surely getting drunk and all I’ve got in my glass is orange juice.

So I just needed to get that off my chest. Wine is the devil. And for all of you wine drinkers, think of those who aren’t. We have feelings to you know.

Thank god I love vodka like it was my first-born.

Three quick stories on Facebook catch-ups!

Ok, I want to share with you three quick stories how in the past few weeks Facebook and/or Twitter has reconnected me with great friends from my past. We all joke about social media and the role it now suddenly plays in our lives – time waster, stalking, pick-ups and flirting, voyeuristic – its all of those things. But for me it has also been an incredible tool to reconnect with important people who I’d lost contact with.

I want to start with someone quite a few of you will know, Mrs Woog. Mrs Woog and I were drinking buddies at Uni and at one now infamous Bar Night we married in a scandalous ceremony conducted by SawHole. Mrs Woog took on a variation of my surname that can’t be repeated here for reasons of decency. The year was 1994 and we were hideously glamorous and practically Prom King and Queen. We soon shipped out for our very different career paths only to re-discover each other with a vengeance again last year.

It started on Facebook, moved onto Twitter and became a deep love affair through blogging. Mrs Woog is my mentor, my teacher, my bosom to nuzzle. I was so inspired by her and what she was doing at Woogsworld that I started these pages. But still we had yet to meet up after our 16 year separation until two weeks ago. As I strolled up her driveway for our reunion, the conversation picked up where it left off in 1994. She’s hilarious, I’m offensive, we’re both still gorgeous. One day we will be Prom King and Queen again. Mrs Woog, I loves you to death.

In another incredibly bizarre coincidence, last week I discovered through Facebook that one of my best friends from school and I were going to be in the exact same, quite specific place at the same time. The Scientist and I literally had not seen each other in 20 years. And trust me, a lot happens and changes in the 20 years between 18 and 38. If I hadn’t known via Facebook that he was there we would never had had the chance to meet and catch-up. I met his lovely wife and we’ve made plans to catch up again soon. It was brilliant to see them, and all thanks to Facebook.

Then this week Miss Cal and I dined with an old and dear friend from Uni, Mrs White. Mrs White and I disagree on the last time we saw each other. She vaguely recollects an incident at an Eastern Suburbs pizza place in the late 90’s, I do not remember at all. I have to cast my mind back to 1995 for a non-alcohol-blurred memory. Mrs White is still as glamorous, as witty and as entertaining as I remembered. No wonder she was a hot-ticket item at CSU. And after only a few hours at dinner I can determine that her three boys are the luckiest in the world. Just brilliant to catch up, and we will again very soon.

Of course I will continue to make jokes about my obsession with social media, and the dramatic impact it has had on my life both personally and professionally. But I also have a helluva lot to thank it for. Life gets crazy busy sometimes and its only natural that you can’t stay in contact with every one you meet, like, love and admire. But social media can keep you in the same loop so that when the opportunity does arise you can pick these great friendships up right where they left off. This has to be the coolest thing ever about social media.

Just you wait for my Big Gay Twitter Party when I get everyone together in one room – now that will be a social media phenomen!

One of the All-time Classics!

Too distract you from the fact I don't have a post for you today, here is one of my all-time favourite superstar in one of my all-time favourite video clips.





Timeless!!! As an early teen I fell completely in love.





A Legend is Born!





Enjoy!!

Madonna - Papa Don't Preach

I’ve got my first ever Twitter-date...

I’ve got my first ever Twitter-date tonight and I’m nervous! And I'm trying to understand why. As a general rule I've never really worried about what people think of me, self-confidence has never been a problem. But this is a little different. And I am way out of my comfort zone. Let me bring you up to speed…

@StMurphy

As you know I am Twitter obsessed – if it doesn’t happen on Twitter it doesn’t really happen. I’ve lived on it since I discovered it in August. One of the guys that I’ve been bantering with over the past few months is a guy called @Simieboy. All I know about him is what I know from his tweets. He’s a very funny guy, he’s madly in love with his boyfriend, he just got a new job and he has a pool. He is from Melbourne and I’m working down here at the moment. Perfect time for us to catch up and finally meet.

So why am I nervous? Well I've never ever met someone from the internet before. Boyfriend and I met the old-fashioned way - in a dirty nightclub very late in the night - and we've been together for 6 years now. Before that I was a self-absorbed trashbag. So I’ve never had any experience with any sort of internet dating or blind dates. All those sites like ManHunt, Grindr, Gaydar, RSVP and chat rooms are completely foreign to me. To meet someone who you’ve only been tapping away with on a computer is ground-breaking. Obviously our Twitter-date is purely platonic and its all about meeting new cool people, but it still makes me real nervous to be meeting someone that you’ve only ever known online.

What if they don’t like me? What if I’m boring? What if I’m not as interesting as I am online (you can easily fake interesting in under 140 characters)? What if he doesn't recognise me from my 7 year old profile pic? Now I understand all the insecurity that comes with meeting people online. I’ve seriously been planning wardrobe, saving up some interesting stories and trying to remember what lies I’ve told in tweets. And all I’m talking about is meeting a new friend! I can’t even imagine what pressure you must put on yourself if you were trying to get laid.

Ok, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, that’s certainly in my nature. But the bottom line is I think our witty, semi-intelligent repartee will translate into a new, in-the-flesh Melbourne friend. For years my motto has been “I don’t do new people” – I’m too lazy and they bore me easily. My friends have set the bar too high. Twitter has shown me that maybe I have been too judgemental all these years and that you can always be making new friends. It happens at least once a day on Twitter, surely some of those can be shifted into the real world?

So @Simieboy and I are going to put it to the test tonight. It could be hilarious, it could end in tears. What if he wears denim shorts or votes Liberal? What if he loves soft-rock music or Brut deoderant?  Who really cares. The best part is that after many years of being a selfish, judgemental, rude bitch I’ve learnt that its probably not a good thing to go through life “not doing new people”.

I wonder if we'll only speak in sentences that are under 140 characters long???

Note: It was @TheKylieApp and @Paullamond's idea to write this! They saved me from a blank page.

Yoga and Pilates are going to save me!

I’ve decided that I am going to get in to Yoga and Pilates in a big way. I feel better already just saying that. I’ve attempted one or two classes of each over the years but never with any great conviction. I love the idea of them, it’s in the execution I fail. So why try now? Well I think my tired old body is demanding some love. And definitely some repair.

My flexibility is appalling. I stretch to put my shoes on and that’s about it. And also I have one leg that is feeling shorter than the other. Yes, this is very odd and needs to be rectified. People tell me Yoga is great for this sort of shit. It’s also all about the breathing and serenity. Years of smoking have left my lungs grey and decrepit; lets get some pink into them again. And god knows I could chillax more.

20% achievable

Over the years I’ve spent a small fortune/house deposit on chiropractors (never again!) and osteopaths (my new favourites). Every health professional I’ve ever seen says I have the core strength of a 7year old girl. It’s because I don’t like to support my own body weight. That’s what chairs, lounges, walls and any solid object are for. So that I don’t end up like the hunchback of Notre Dame I’m gonna get me some core strength.

So I’ve printed off the necessary Fitness First timetables – I’ve been donating to this charity for many years, about time I got something in return – and I’ve circled all the Yoga, Pilates and Body Balance (whatever the hell that is) classes. I’m gonna get all over it. I’ve checked with workmates what I should wear and I’m all set to go. I just hope the teachers are attractive and patient.

SNAP!

It should be noted that I do not have a very good track record of maintaining an exercise program. My pattern is I usually go 5 times in one week, then have 3 months off. I usually try to do a lot of Pump classes or those big bad cardio machines which I’m quite obviously not ready for. Never weights – I hate weights. Surely with yoga and pilates I can ease my body into this gently, isn’t that the whole point? And now that I am on the record I just know I’ll have your support.

Before you know it I am going to look like Christie Turlington, just you wait and see.

Only a matter of time...

P.S. When I did an image search for "Men doing Yoga" nearly everyone turned up naked! I think I'm going to like this more than I thought.