Oscars. I find it real odd that I haven’t won one yet. It’s somewhat of a travesty that the Academy has overlooked me all these years.
Musk Sticks. You can’t get the good ones anywhere. There’s a place on Cleveland St and that’s about it. Supermarkets are hopeless, they package them with those awful rip-offs, the yellow and the green.
Gay romantic comedies. They literally do not exist, or are so appalling even I can’t shed a tear.
Mail. I never get anything in the mail except bills, catalogues and menu’s. I miss letters.
Happy Pants. I don’t care what anyone says, they would have to be the most comfortable fashion that there has ever been.
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| I still have a pair... |
Shoulder-rubs. Wouldn’t it be great if people just walked around giving shoulder rubs, would make the day so much more pleasant.
Paparazzi. They never follow me. They don’t stake out my balcony for a nudie shot. Why aren’t I prized by the paps? Is it cause I’m not famous?
Weight-loss. I just don’t get enough of it. Why doesn’t weight-loss come to you instead of you having to go find it?
Green lights. I hate red, despise orange.
Olympics. Ludicrous that they only get their act together every 4 years. What are the hot swimmers doing the rest of the time? They should be annually at least.
Botox. I just wish my face was crinkle free and immobile. I wouldn’t mind looking like a statue or Courtney Cox at all.
Head massages. Especially at the hair-dressers. They should be a minimum of 45mins with unnecessary pressure.
Compliments. I am never stopped in the street.
Twitter. Yes, yes I know – how could I possibly suggest I don’t get enough Twitter. You can never have too much Twitter.
Glitter. Everything should sparkle.
A new Madonna album. No explanation required – she is my personal guru and her lyrics get me through any crisis.
Royal Weddings. C’mon Harry, hurry up and propose to either me or James Middleton!
Hot boys hitting on me. Why can’t they see my inner beauty?
Hang-over-free vodka. That would just make life so much more pleasurable.
Winter. 9 months are wasted.
Steak Dianne. Mmmmmmm… what donuts are to Homer.
Openly gay politicians. I’d love to be able to vote for someone who’s had the same life experiences as me. Including The Shift in the 90’s.
Silence.
